Burials

I dug a pit, thinking I'd plant a seed,
I ended up burying a little more of me.
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Somewhere in the middle of a river
Lie a dozen hued stones
The shade of emptiness, though,
I could not find.
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Tango, Can't

And then, I come closer, knowing you move farther. You come closer, and I know I should try to move a step backward. But I am where I am, and we have the dance all wrong.

I will try to make a fresh beginning, but, my feet remain grounded at that moment. We are paired with others better at this, and my feet move to the music that I don't care to hear anymore. It is no longer our dance, yours and mine.

"We have changed."
"Nothing has.It is just your perception that we have.You want too much."
"But we were madly in love.Tell me we still are."

He smiled to himself.Proved right, again. A month to date.He pulled the strings and watched the tiny puppets below squabble and squawk.

Never too unsure

Unconnected incidents. A common by-stander.
I don’t know when I started to connect the dots, but indecision seems to have been a factor that has upset several of my relationships. With people, who would otherwise, or could otherwise matter more to me than they do. And I can’t help, but feel a sense of inadequacy, knowing that my reactions to others’ indecisiveness have had no bearing on their subsequent conduct towards me or others.

G and I fell out of a 7-year thing. Perhaps, as G would like to say, in a typical way….it never bothered me so much initially…My view is that when I start finding out that I have invested too much resource in a potential subject matter of decision-making, and that the person who is expected to make the decision has no intention of using my input; like any other manager on an ego-trip- I blow my top. Maybe I like to play a more controlling part in lives around me a tad more that I ought to; or at least like to believe that my pearls of wisdom, are just that, and not mere incoherent ramblings of a 24 year old. So the fall out is that G and I are now on a careful-not-to tread on each other footing…that makes every conversation difficult and less spontaneous.

My sister. The object of my affection and simultaneous aversion. Perhaps, if I were the elder one, I could have molded her to perfection- but sadly, as fertilization and family planning delayed what could have otherwise been a perfect world, I am younger. And angrier. For only the second time in less than 6 months, I walked out of her car in the middle of the road. Only because, the woman dilly-dallied with the decision to make a U-turn. Here I was giving her multiple options-U turn, service lane, park on the by-lanes…but no. Hell-bent on confusing herself, me and perhaps, junta who meekly followed her on the road, she refused to decide. I don’t know what it was that did it….I mean, I know I am so much less temperamental than I used to be, say 5 years back…but my sister will put all my efforts towards Zen and world peace to naught. And with two headstrong, or as Amma calls it-thaandonii individuals, nothing is gonna give. So, I made a trip half-way across the city for well, an awesome display of bad manners in the middle of a road. Thank You! That was the last show. There shan’t be any more encores.

And in between, there are the minor aberrations, that don’t even deserve a mention here, only cos well, I don’t remember them too clearly. I do find that of late, my tendency is less towards changing individuals (I m hearing..there is a season change change..), and more towards forceful withdrawal (And here we play ..Illusion never changed into something real…).As I busily wrote on the napkin at the restaurant; after she, the orchestrator of most of the indiscipline in my life walked away asserting that she had done no wrong, I don’t have the patience to suffer fools gladly.
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