Never too unsure

Unconnected incidents. A common by-stander.
I don’t know when I started to connect the dots, but indecision seems to have been a factor that has upset several of my relationships. With people, who would otherwise, or could otherwise matter more to me than they do. And I can’t help, but feel a sense of inadequacy, knowing that my reactions to others’ indecisiveness have had no bearing on their subsequent conduct towards me or others.

G and I fell out of a 7-year thing. Perhaps, as G would like to say, in a typical way….it never bothered me so much initially…My view is that when I start finding out that I have invested too much resource in a potential subject matter of decision-making, and that the person who is expected to make the decision has no intention of using my input; like any other manager on an ego-trip- I blow my top. Maybe I like to play a more controlling part in lives around me a tad more that I ought to; or at least like to believe that my pearls of wisdom, are just that, and not mere incoherent ramblings of a 24 year old. So the fall out is that G and I are now on a careful-not-to tread on each other footing…that makes every conversation difficult and less spontaneous.

My sister. The object of my affection and simultaneous aversion. Perhaps, if I were the elder one, I could have molded her to perfection- but sadly, as fertilization and family planning delayed what could have otherwise been a perfect world, I am younger. And angrier. For only the second time in less than 6 months, I walked out of her car in the middle of the road. Only because, the woman dilly-dallied with the decision to make a U-turn. Here I was giving her multiple options-U turn, service lane, park on the by-lanes…but no. Hell-bent on confusing herself, me and perhaps, junta who meekly followed her on the road, she refused to decide. I don’t know what it was that did it….I mean, I know I am so much less temperamental than I used to be, say 5 years back…but my sister will put all my efforts towards Zen and world peace to naught. And with two headstrong, or as Amma calls it-thaandonii individuals, nothing is gonna give. So, I made a trip half-way across the city for well, an awesome display of bad manners in the middle of a road. Thank You! That was the last show. There shan’t be any more encores.

And in between, there are the minor aberrations, that don’t even deserve a mention here, only cos well, I don’t remember them too clearly. I do find that of late, my tendency is less towards changing individuals (I m hearing..there is a season change change..), and more towards forceful withdrawal (And here we play ..Illusion never changed into something real…).As I busily wrote on the napkin at the restaurant; after she, the orchestrator of most of the indiscipline in my life walked away asserting that she had done no wrong, I don’t have the patience to suffer fools gladly.
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