Poissons Hors de L'eau

So, how does Cxxnxxi feel? How does being back feel?
I have been asked this before, I can recount three occasions…at various ages. Twice, I answered with “muggy”. The first time, I didn’t know the word.

I hate the fact that I am breaking out into a rash, within hours of landing. I hate feeling sticky and icky, and hate thinking about going out to meet folks the rest of the week. Within a day, I have already been apprised of weddings I might want to attend, and social occasions I have to. I hate that Cxxnxxi air seems to be more polluted in comparison to the dust-laden air that I breathe in a soon-threatening-to-become- concrete -maze. I hate feeling that my skin breathes under a layer of soot, or saltiness, depending on the length of Mount Road I am on.

I hate it that there is so much I want to tell, but that I am hesitant to. I hate wanting to go back to the place I call my home-it seems like a betrayal of sorts. And I hate that feeling of despondency that strikes me every time I am on the curve of the road from where I can see my house. I hate the population that clings to buses, autos, vans, bus stands, restaurants….sometimes, me. I hate it that green seems to be a dusty green, sometimes, a yellowing green at others-but never green enough.

I love my bed. I hate thinking that Appa wants it changed to a double bed, and that I had to use waterworks within hours of reaching home to preserve what I believe are relics from my past. I love the reminders of religion and pseudo-traditionalism in my house, and out on the streets….every time an errant thought threatens to overwhelm me. That I am never too far away from a shrine to thank or appease the powers that be. I love the freedom to be on the streets at 2230 in the night, and still use public transport to get back. I love the trains, despite the heat, stench and the urgency of people to finger and feel. I love clinging to the handlebars at the exit doors to the trains, thinking that at any minute, my fingers could slip and end my life, if I wanted to.
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